Friday, November 2, 2012

Things I never thought...

I never knew:

That one day I would check on my husband just like you do with a newborn to see if he is still breathing

That I would pray for a stroke to be an answer

That I would be pissed when everything "serious" keeps turning out fine!

That I would be asked if I work in the medical field because of my knowledge and terminology

That I would quickly learn the symptoms of stroke, ms, vasculitis, among other diseases

That I would learn the terms PFO, angiogram, esophageal echo, MRA, satellite, neurology, infractions,etc

That I can tell you if you have neurological problems/stroke, by the way you smile, push your toes, touch your finger to your nose and then my finger, the way you push and pull back, etc

That one body can go through the whole grieving process several times in a weeks time

That I would let my daughter take "daddys brain" to school for show and tell

That my home could become so lonely when everyone is sleeping

That my body can function for weeks at a time with only hours of sleep

That I would make myself one of the most unpopular people with the medical world due to my lack of "give up/let up"

That I someday would not just "accept" what I am told by doctors or nurses

That the minutes on the clock will take HOURS to get through just one minute at a time....

That to sit and watch someone you adore in physical pain, emotional pain, and fear, is the worst form of torture one can inflict on another human

That an optometrist is better in many ways than some/most general doctors, and are many times the first to discover a neurological problem

That I would in fact be in a hospital room the day my baby was to be born,but not there for a baby, instead there to pray for my husbands health

That I would learn to accept help in ways that I never thought would be right for someone who is capable of doing it themselves, like accepting meals being cooked

 That I would questions God, his plan, his nearness, 

That I would still pray to him and seek his answers more fervently that I have in my entire life...

So it has been since August since I wrote.  So much has happened since then it is hardly comprehendable.

Thank you to those of you who have checked back, and will continue to read, and thank you for your patience...

The past weeks have been something I never wanted or want to go thorugh.  I have epxerienced overwhelming fear, that I have never known, and worse yet I haven't had the time to express it at times, and just keep going on going on.  I have had so many hopes, ups, and downs that I really am not sure which way is up at the moment.

What I do know, is that I love my husband more than any words will ever express.  That I will take every ounce of my strength and power to protect him.  I will not sit idly for a vauge answer.  I will research till there is no way to research, I will not just sit around.  I know that we have grown closer.  I know that I miss him all the time now, yes he is here, but he has been so tired I haven't been able to "see" him.