Monday, January 24, 2011

Have you lately?

When is the last time you sat down? No I don't mean getting off your feet for two minutes to eat dinner, or to even watch a much deserved TV show.

I mean when is the last time you stopped and looked around. What do you see?

I'm guessing you probably see a cluttered or messy house/living room/kitchen. You may see dishes to do, laundry that needs to be done, bills to be paid, you may see a calendar telling you a homework assignment is due in two days, or you may see a schedule that keeps you on your toes.

But have you looked past that? If you are like most, if you are like me, you most likely have not.

I just went to lay down Lissy Cakes for her nap. I decided, since the baby was sleeping, that I would lay in Alia's bed with her for two songs. As I took a breath in, I could smell her clean sweet hair, I pulled her little body a bit closer to me, and I am reminded...she turns 4 Wednesday. Four. Where has the time gone?

Yes some of it has provided some memorable times, like playing, vacations, giggles and smiles, hugs, excitement. Maybe even a few tantrums of memorable status. However, most of that time, my time, my time with her, has gone to the above mentioned.

We are so programed to worry about what we think others want to see, by what we think a good standard of living is, that we forget to slow down and see our children, yes our children! We see them every day, yet we don't see them, see them as God sees us, a one and only. They will not be like this for long, and when it is gone, it is gone.

Each stage of life is wonderful, however we need take a time out to stop and appreciate each one as it comes, revel in the miracle of life, revel in the miracle that God has given us to care for on this earth.

While there is something to be said about de-cluttering, keeping sanity, healthy living, learning, schedules and life in general, there is also moderation. Everything with in reason. Anything can become a new god to us, anything, even a healthy lifestyle. I am not saying don't be healthy, but I am saying that healthy also mean taking time out. And taking it often!

Is it really worth it to have all that you think you desire, only to find out you miss the little mis-pronounced words, the super snugly hugs, the "mommy will you play horses with me?", the "what is?", the fascination at a new learned objective, the dances, and the all around little giggles of a tiny life?

Yes I have stopped dead in my tracks today to play dolls and horses, and to lay with my beautiful daughter. The one that God decided I was destine to mother. The one God trusted her emotional, physical and overall well being with.

So from now on I am going to try to press pause, and press it often, (it won't wear out you know!) forget all the cleaning that won't go to the grave with me and cherish my beautiful daughters first!

Saturday, January 22, 2011


I'll just outright and say it. I resent my life right now. Do I actually mean it, no, I guess not. Do I feel it? Absolutely!

I am writing this, but no one really reads it that I know of, so why am I writing? Therapeutic, I guess.

I know all the logical reasons why I shouldn't feel as I do. But come on, does that really change anything? No not really.

I feel so lost right now. I have absolutely no identity. I am mourning, in my own way right now, the loss of Brandon's grandma. I wasn't close with her, per say, but she was part of my life. She was a comfortable familiar. Every fall I felt this, visiting their place, the girls giving her a hug and playing with her toys, and the piece of Easter or holiday candy that they would get upon leaving. It was comfort. So as her funeral is today, I am sad.

I am mourning for another reason too however. I am not there. Is it selfish? I'm not sure. But I am really struggling with this. I am the ONLY family member/spouse not there. And that bothers me. I have been a part of this family for 11 years, and I feel like the girlfriend who really doesn't have any place being there.

No I am here with the kids. That is all my identity is. That is the other loss I am mourning. The loss of my identity. I have no idea what it is. I don't know if it ever existed. I mean, hubby goes to work, I stay at home with the kids. Hubby goes on business trips, I stay at home with the kids. Hubby talks to people at church, I don't really talk to anyone, or if it is, it is "how did the baby sleep". Now it is hubby goes home to be with family in a time of need. Where am I? Yep I am here with the kids.

Hubby has a purpose, he has people telling him they need him, and he has done a job well done. He talks and shares and laughs with co workers. Does he struggle at times? Yes. Is work hard at times? Yes. But he has a life, a life that defines who he is. A life outside of me and the children. He feels purpose. He sees results. He has fun and things to talk about other than us.

I know my identify is in Christ. But the worldly side of me says even that I am not sure about. Again because my every move is about the children; school, feeding, fun, play, dance, exercises, homework, friends, clothing, sleep...and the list goes on.

I don't even have my house, I mean how can I show who I am when I don't even have a couch to sit on? My life is in ruins and I do not currently see the light at the end of the tunnel of boxes!

Yep my identity is in laundry, dinner, school, homework, fights, crying, diapers, baby food, dirty dishes, in general, cleaning messes.

So here I sit. Alone, while the whole family mourns together. All of them but me.