Mourning...X2

I'll just outright and say it. I resent my life right now. Do I actually mean it, no, I guess not. Do I feel it? Absolutely!

I am writing this, but no one really reads it that I know of, so why am I writing? Therapeutic, I guess.

I know all the logical reasons why I shouldn't feel as I do. But come on, does that really change anything? No not really.

I feel so lost right now. I have absolutely no identity. I am mourning, in my own way right now, the loss of Brandon's grandma. I wasn't close with her, per say, but she was part of my life. She was a comfortable familiar. Every fall I felt this, visiting their place, the girls giving her a hug and playing with her toys, and the piece of Easter or holiday candy that they would get upon leaving. It was comfort. So as her funeral is today, I am sad.

I am mourning for another reason too however. I am not there. Is it selfish? I'm not sure. But I am really struggling with this. I am the ONLY family member/spouse not there. And that bothers me. I have been a part of this family for 11 years, and I feel like the girlfriend who really doesn't have any place being there.

No I am here with the kids. That is all my identity is. That is the other loss I am mourning. The loss of my identity. I have no idea what it is. I don't know if it ever existed. I mean, hubby goes to work, I stay at home with the kids. Hubby goes on business trips, I stay at home with the kids. Hubby talks to people at church, I don't really talk to anyone, or if it is, it is "how did the baby sleep". Now it is hubby goes home to be with family in a time of need. Where am I? Yep I am here with the kids.

Hubby has a purpose, he has people telling him they need him, and he has done a job well done. He talks and shares and laughs with co workers. Does he struggle at times? Yes. Is work hard at times? Yes. But he has a life, a life that defines who he is. A life outside of me and the children. He feels purpose. He sees results. He has fun and things to talk about other than us.

I know my identify is in Christ. But the worldly side of me says even that I am not sure about. Again because my every move is about the children; school, feeding, fun, play, dance, exercises, homework, friends, clothing, sleep...and the list goes on.

I don't even have my house, I mean how can I show who I am when I don't even have a couch to sit on? My life is in ruins and I do not currently see the light at the end of the tunnel of boxes!

Yep my identity is in laundry, dinner, school, homework, fights, crying, diapers, baby food, dirty dishes, in general, cleaning messes.

So here I sit. Alone, while the whole family mourns together. All of them but me.