Friday, March 16, 2012

Miscarriage ~ What you dont hear about...helpful advice for coping...


I wrote a majority of this last week.....
The blue italics are what I wrote last week.  I also put a line below if you wanted to skip right to the advice and how I coped....

I'm not sure if I'm ready to write this...Nope don't believe I I'll start and maybe I'll finish another day.

Loss.  Something everyone one of us has had to deal with one time or another. 

I had intended on writing this great post on marriage, and I will write it someday, but I feel like a cruel and unusual punishment is mine for the taking at the moment.

Most of you know, but  for those of you that don't, I suffered my first miscarriage last Monday.  So I now have an angel in heaven.

Logically I know there is nothing I did wrong, and nothing I could have done.  However trying to tell your heart that when it is breaking in a million pieces is a totally other story.

If I can impress one thing upon you it is, no matter what YOU think of someone else, when they are going through something, whether you think it is dumb or just blown out of proportion, please take their thoughts into consideration.  What they are feeling is REAL no matter how silly it may seem to you.

I have had three beautiful daughters, hence the name of the blog.  but that doesn't make the loss of my fourth baby any easier.  Even if he/she was only 6 weeks along.  God had already had them in his mind.  Many years ago at that.  The beginning of time in fact!  My baby was just that, a baby, his/her heart was going to start beating this week, the spine was forming, as were many other things. 

This was "Quatro" as my hubby lovingly called him/her.  We were excited to add another member to our amazing group of little ones.  We may get stressed from time to time, but we sure do adore being parents.

This weekend we needed a break away.  We were forgetting that we were more than just parents, so we went away, sans kids.  It was amazing and we had a great time, however, as we were heading home, I started to spot.  Nervous but not thinking the worst we went on our way.  Finished our day out. 

Unfortunately the night brought pain and more convincing evidence.  And by morning it was clear.  All day Monday I was in a daze, a daze loosing my fourth peanut.  A much anticipated peanut. 

The worst part of it all. the person I called my doctor, the one I put my health, trust, faith and emotions into, was nothing of the sort.  Not once did I get a sorry for your loss.  I actually even got accused for a moments time of lying about being pregnant, and i got jerked around for the better part of 36 hours.  That was the worst 36 hours of torture I could ever go through.  I can't even begin to describe to you the things this nurse told me, that were un-called for and inappropriate in this time I was going through.

But I CAN tell you something else I learned.  I learned that God truly does have our backs at all times.  Because as many of your know, from time to time I miss home, and I feel lonely and wonder if I left the only good thing I could find back there.  I left such a great network, that I just wondered so early in my new journey here if I would ever find the same thing.

I found it, but I found it triple fold.  My friends out here are AMAZING.  And THAT is an understatement!  I have had people bring me flowers, dinner, lunch, and offer to watch the kids.  I have had calls and texts, and countless well wishes and hugs.  I can't even begin to tell you what these people have meant to me.  To my body, to my baby, to my healing, to my faith.  You all are amazing and I will never be able to repay you for what you have given me.  I just hope that if you read this and you know who you are, that you have affected my life forever and I will never for get it and will always be grateful!!!

It is now a week and a half later, I am through the worst and ready to head back for the best.  I am ready to pick up and start again. That being said, I found there are some things that just aren't talked about, and I wanted to share, in the hopes that my loss can help someone else grieve.

One thing I found, that as early as I miscarried, we are left with the idea that maybe we shouldn't be as sad as we feel.  You will hear it is a chromosome thing, it is a genetic thing, the baby would have had many problems.  While all this is well and true, and I am thankful that he/she won't have to go through a painful life, it doesn't make the fact that you are loosing him/her any easier.  So we feel that we aren't supposed to be sad, for a day much less more than a week or more.  We feel like because there wasn't even a dr appointment we should just push the feelings away and focus on the positive.

While the positive is good, you need to focus on your pain.  If even for a moment.  I was told by a friend here, that even though my girls are here and yes I need to be here for them, don't let it take away from the fact that I do need time, to myself, to grieve my loss. 
So I am here to tell you, whether far along, or not at all, please let yourself grieve how you need to.  You are NOT alone in this!  

I cried.  I still cry once in a while.  You don't hear of how the emotions will hit you.  You think you have had your good cry and then out of the blue you start bawling.  It is NORMAL.  Not only are you suffering a loss you are suffering crazy hormones.

Your body will go through amazing changes too, I had a hard time finding out if it was normal to all of a sudden bloat like I was 5 months pregnant.  But I did.  And it is normal, It will go away in about a week to a week and a half.  As will the physical pain.  One thing that has held on a bit longer but is tapering away is fatigue.  Your poor body has gone through so many changes.  You will find that each day it feels like you hit a brick wall.  You are SO tired.  Don't let others tell you that you are depressed (unless it is several weeks after and you can't get out of bed at all) because again your hormones and body have been totally shook up.  The tired is normal.  If you can, rest!  Let the kids watch TV if you have others, let them color, play and make a mess with out you.  You are NO less a mom!!  

Lastly I wanted to show you what I did, that really helped me.  For me I feel I need something tangible.  Something to hold and look at.  That is hard to do when your loss is so early.  But it can be done.  

Some people told me they have a memorial service.

I made a memorial tin.

I took a dollar store tin (or Altoids) and took some cute scrap booking paper.  I traced the tin on the paper and cut it out, then sprayed the paper with Elmer's spray glue.  I then put paper on top and bottom and found some ribbon to wrap around the side to make the color right.

I added a few stickers and a heart inside.  I also added a name, as hubby and I always make "fun" names for the baby while it is in my belly.  If you didn't.  You still can. It might help to have a name for him/her.

Then I added the test I had saved, and I had some pictures of the actual digital one.  I also had my first belly picture (yes I was super excited to start documenting growth) and a picture of hubby and I before I lost him/her.  I just put those in there, and am writing a letter to my baby and adding that. 

Now I have something that sits by my bed, and I can touch, look at, and hold it as often as I want.  and When I am ready it can go in a drawer by my nightstand.

Please if you want someone to talk to, have any questions, or just want a shoulder to cry with you.  PLEASE leave a message here, and I can email with you!   

I really hope someday somehow I can help someone through this pain.  I wish it on no one and no one should have to go through it alone!


  1. This is beautiful. And thank you for sharing. It inspired me to dig out a journal entry I wrote about mine and share it on my blog - maybe if enough of us do, it won't be such a taboo topic, and we'll all be better at supporting those who have suffered the loss of a baby.

  2. I saved my ultra sound pictures of our baby we lost, some silk flowers that come in an arrangement someone gave us, and the pregnancy test. I kept it on my dresser for years, and then put it away on my bedroom shelf. I cried for about 6 months. I think that is how long it took for my hormones to get back to normal. I am sorry you had horrible medical support. Praying for your peace.

  3. You are precious and I love you. Thanks for your openness and your courage, these are gifts.

  4. I'm so sorry for your loss but I know you will heal and move forward. It was nice of you to share for other to heal and to help heal yourself. You will never forget what you lost but know that you are treasure by the girls that you have and your family and friends. We all love you no matter what. Love you!


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