Tuesday, May 3, 2011

A broken mommys heart

After a wonderful rejuvenating trip to Las Vegas for the Women of Faith conference I had high hopes of writing something with wit and charm. I was excited to learn that many people thought my writing was indeed good enough for a book. So dream....back on.

But tonight I write with a heavy heart. Well heavy and ready to pounce on some other peoples children! And the worst part is, some are my friends children. Oh and the part that "thou shalt not kill" ya know, that pesky lil commandment.

Not sure how mothers over the ages have managed to not kill other children. Really, how? Can you help me?

My Alia, my sweet Alia, the one I was SOO proud of today (she brought cupcakes to school for her birthday, and she had promised herself she wanted the Principal and another adult she adores to give them cupcakes, so INSTEAD of eating her own with the class, she added it to the leftover one and took it to them. While the class was eating theirs, she just read a card) got her heart broken into a million pieces.

My sweet little girl came down stairs tonight timid and shy. She was afraid to tell me what she was about to, "because it was so terrible she wanted to keep it to herself and not say the words", for fear I would "see" that in her. Her words not mine.

First her best friend refused to play with her today, there is a new girl in their class the past few months and she was playing with her, when Alia asked if she could join she told her flat out NO. She is confused why she would do this, primarily because she herself would never do such a thing. Ok, so I told her everyone has an off day. Maybe if that was it all would have been fine.

But then there is this one little girl, girl number one, in her class who has always had trouble with her. And I don't know as if the teachers know to what extent, but she is SO mean to her. Well today my lil girl was trying to be funny with the rest of the girls at lunch and girl number one laughed a "mean, making fun of" laugh, and told her that wasn't funny, it was dumb.

Shortly after that this same little girl told my Alia that something Alia was trying to show another peer (who said oh that is neat) that it was NOT neat, it was dumb. And as Alia slowly retreated away, she overheard girl number two telling girl number one that she only said it was neat to be nice.

So here my poor little girl is, the day of her school "birthday", a day she has looked forward to for months and she is broken hearted, telling me she is no fun, not pretty and she doesn't like herself, cuz no one likes her. They only see the dumb kid in her and that it hurts. Tears are streaming down her face this whole time.

GOSH my heart is breaking as I am writing this. I am crying. Crying those tears I cried ALL those years ago. When I was made fun of. I thought I was done with that pain, and now here I am and it is ten times worse than it ever was then.

So back to my original question. How do you not POUNCE on these children? I want to just forget I am a Christian. Forget what God has taught me and ignore what He is teaching me right now! This is my baby you are messing with! The most adorable, generous, giving, sweet, fun, sensitive, nurturing, funny, and bright little girl! HOW can they treat her like this?

Oh did I mention I have to have a party with all these little angels this weekend? Yep I have to have a happy face and be all cheery and wonderful to them when I know they hurt my baby and they, or at least girl number one shouldn't even be at my house because she has never been nice to my generous Alia!? How do I get through this party?

How do I get over my tantrum and be the bigger person, all while soothing my little ones broken heart?

Really I have no words of wisdom. At least not yet. Maybe if you check back in a day or two I will have had a profound moment. But as for now, I doubt it.

I just wanted to share with you that you are not alone in wanting to strangle any child that has hurt your own baby. I am there with you!

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